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My baby sister is pregnant

I've been pregnant. But, before the first trimester was over lost the pregnancies. ...
She's always been able to do things better than me.
I've been married for nine years and my husband is just now interested in having a child. (A child, despite the fact that I've always wanted 2.)
She's been married for 3 years, so good for her that her husband was interested long before mine was.
I'm a sick and deranged person; why can't I just be happy for her? Instead I feel resentful of her.
I'd rather not be here..

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter...

We'll be in Florida next week.

I hope that we make it to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Since we're going with a group of friends, somehow I think that I'll be the only one that wants to go. My husband reminds me that we're not the only ones in our circle of friends that's obsessed with HP, and not to worry.

But, a trip that's not planned always makes me pessimistic.

Crossing Fingers.


1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Give a cat Chemo

2. Where did you study/work?
The same place I've worked since 2005

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my ex-boyfriend's fiance.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My dear Great-aunt

5. What countries did you visit?
Only took one vacation, and that was to Washington DC. But my husband travels to Mexico regularly for work.

6. Did you move anywhere?

7. What sporting events did you go to?

8. What concerts did you go to?
Amiee Mann

9. Who was your Valentine in 2010?
My husband

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully.

11. What was your best month?
... There were ups and downs for all 12.

12. Where did most of your money go?
The usual - mortgage, bills

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Driving past the Washington Monument. I half expected that something would stop our vacation until we actually got there.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Firework (Katie Perry)

15. What did you do on the 4th of July?
Saw some friends and did laundry. Missed the fireworks, even the ones on TV.

16. What were the best books you read?
The Jane Austin Book Club

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Snow Skiing

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?

19. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my loved ones

20. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I stayed in love with my husband.

21. How many one-night stands?

22. What were your favourite TV programmes?
Bones, even the re-runs

23. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder?

24. What was your favourite summer memory of 2010?
Not sure

25. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I became 33 and cried a bit since I'm still childless. My mother gave me a card, and my mother in law forgot my birthday. My husband was away on work. But, I did have a few drinks with friends.

Fill in your own Q #26, I guess.
26. What is your favorite holiday?
I love getting ready for Christmas. And usually love Christmas.

27. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Daniel Radcliffe

28. Who was the best new person you met?
Not sure

29. Where were you when 2010 began and who were you with?
At home, same as 2011.

my love of paper

I bought two books over the weekend. And I'm well into one of them.

Last Christmas my husband bought me a Kindle. It was really sweet of him. But.... Well, I have general problems with electronics. They don't tend to last very long around me. Sometimes I walk past a rabbit-earred TV and (even though others have walked past with no ill effects) the TV statics up for me. I think that my body's electrons are charged oddly.

Also, when it comes to books, I love paper! I love it, love it. I love the feel, the smell. I love going to the bookstore and finding what I've been looking for, and then blowing the dust off of the book!

Despite what Amazon and Kindle tell you, it's not that much cheaper to buy a Kindle book. Especially with all of the used bookstores out there.

Only occasionally does he ask, "Why don't you get a Kindle book?"

... So here I am, hiding one of the books from my husband.

I don't have a good answer. Of course I want to be more green. I want to have easy access to thousands of books. ... I've only read 6 or so books on the Kindle, but I cannot seem to get away from paper. But, I'm convinced that I'll drop the Kindle, and break it. Or it'll just explode in my hand. ...

For right now, I'm still reading the paper version, and maybe the next book I read will be on the Kindle.

Whispers on the Wind

We all have heard that Hermione is afraid of heights. Despite the safe escape the dragon afforded the Trio, the flight alone would have brought her fears home more. Ron, however, loves to fly. With Hermione on the dragon in front of him, the euphoria of their escape, and adrenalin pumping in their veins, I wonder what could have been said in the moments of “peace and quite.”
Direct quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows are underlined and in Italic.

Harry had flattened himself against the dragon’s neck ridges. And Hermione took the opportunity to lean into Ron. She had her eyes closed because of her fear of heights. “Ron,” she cried out. Even though his hands came around her waist, she wasn’t sure he had heard her, with the rushing of the wind. Hermione turned her torso and cracked her eyelids, “Ron,” she managed to mouth.
Ron lowered his face to her ear. “I have you, Hermione. I’m not going to let you go.” To emphasize his point, Ron’s arms encircled her tighter. And he felt instead of heard, her sigh as she tucked her head under his chin.
Ron didn’t know if it was the close proximity to Hermione’s backside, or if the movement of the dragon – which transferred a rhythmic up, down, forward, backward movement through their bodies – or both; but Ron’s erection began to grow. He felt it stir and twitch, and act with a mind of its own. Ron tried to focus on the danger, but he could not with Hermione in his arms. He knew that Hermione could feel him and throwing caution to the wind, finally said, “I’m sorry Hermione. ‘Little Ron’ has a mind of his own.”
Part of him had expected her to swat at him, or lean away from him, or even begin screaming at him; but he never expected that Hermione would lean further into his body and moan in a lovely way that he felt, but again didn’t hear. To further ‘confund’ him, Hermione’s hand came up and pulled his face towards her shoulder, and turning to his ear, said, “I rather like it.”
“What? – I mean… y-you do?”
“Ron,” she said in a half-whine. “We could have died at Gringotts. We could have died a hundred other times! And not once have I told you how much I love you! How much I want you. I’ve been so scared that one of us would die and I’m so mad at myself for never telling you sooner.”
Ron’s body was reacting to her words. “Want!” he groaned in her ear. And Ron was able to turn Hermione’s torso toward him.
Hermione’s eyes were fluttering open as Ron’s calloused hand pulled her chin up. Catching a glimpse of the countryside so far below them, Hermione let out a gasp of fear, as her fingers became talons gripping Ron’s shoulder and fisting his shirt.
Hermione had jerked her chin from his gentle touch and buried her head under his chin. But, Ron was persistent. “You just told me that you love me. That you want me. Hermione, open your eyes. You’ve made me so happy. I’m not going to let you fall.”
They held each other close for an undetermined amount of time. And then they both felt it, a slight downward angle of the dragon. “Is it my imagination,” shouted Ron… “or are we losing height?”
Hermione had her eyes closed tight as she clung to Ron’s shirt.
Ron and Harry seemed to see the lake at the same time, and Ron whispered, “Look,” into her ear. Cracking her eye, she did and tried to ignore the flip-flop of her stomach.
“I say we jump when it gets low enough!” Harry called back to the others. “Straight into the water before it realizes we’re here!”
“No!” Hermione screamed.
“Yes,” Ron yelled, then pulling her impossibly close to him, he said right in her ear, “Hermione! It’s the only way. This dragon is going to get hungry eventually, and if we wait until it lands, we run the risk of it realizing what we are… edible! Get on my lap. When I push off of this dragon, I’m going to have my arms around you. We’re going to fall together, and I’m going to keep you safe.”
Hermione nodded, with a whispered, “Okay.”
They agreed, Hermione a little faintly, and now Harry could see the dragon’s wide yellow underbelly rippling in the surface of the water.


I don't want to be here...


Well my husband and I went on vacation last week. And I feel like I need another week off!!

Or that I'm independently wealthy.

But, as neither will happen...

We went to Washington DC because all of the monuments and Smithsonian museums are free. The only museum we paid for was a non-Smithsonian related one. I felt like we spent too much money, but...

I'm glad we had the time off.

Tomorrow I start work, same job, new responsibilities. And I'm nervous. I feel as though my reward for meeting the yearly quota is MORE WORK. I hope that my raise request is approved. I suppose tomorrow will be full of all kinds of surprises.

I'd better go and read all the paperwork that I should have read earlier.

Am I being selfish? Or...

We have four cats and a dog.

One of our cats, Odie (short of Odysseus) was diagnosed with Lymphoma on Monday. He's only 10. Normally Odie weighs 12-14 pounds, and two weeks ago he was down to 9 lbs, and I thought that was terrible. On Monday his weight was... 7.5 lbs. The vet did say that some cats go into remission, and can live up to 2 years or so. ...

We decided to start a course of treatment that included anti-nausa pills, steroids, and chemo pills. We gave him the chemo pill on Monday, and it really kicked in yesterday because he was so lethargic and miserable. The vet said that he usually doesn't advise this, but go ahead and feed him table scraps, feed him whatever he wants to eat. And with him saying that, I wonder if the vet is suggesting a "last meal" mentality. ... I don't know.

Odie has always been an inside cat, but now he's meowing at the door. I wonder if he wants to runaway and die. Other times he's under furniture, just out of reach.

My husband doesn't want to talk about the inevitable. I don't WANT to talk about it either, but I want to be realistic. How much is Odie's quality of life increased? Are we just giving him quantity over quality? Or could he have a couple of rough days and then get better?

I feel like there is no right answer, but a million wrong ones!

cat has Lymphoma

I'm so sad right now.


Rough couple of weeks...

In a previous post I talked about my sick cat. Who is still sick.

Family problems, and work quota on top of everything, nothing is going well for me right now.

On Saturday, my husband and I had to buy a Water Heater. I generally have a self-esteem problem, but I don't need retail store employees to ignore me (confirming my self esteem fears).

Tonight I've had about 15 minutes of sleep. And I have to go to Charlotte, NC for work. Maybe I can sleep in the car.